Ask Nadia: Why Do I Hate Intercourse So A lot?

SHESAID’s resident sexpert answers your stickiest sex questions every week.

Dear Nadia,

Why do I hate sex or being touched? I don’t have any history of trauma or anything like that. Is this normal?

Sincerely,

Worried

Dear Worried,

It’s a myth that you need to have had some sort of trauma in your past to be someone who is averse to having sex.

It sounds like you may just be asexual, which, for most people who identify as this, is described as a person who doesn’t desire or enjoy sex or sexual activities. Asexuality is a normal, healthy way to identify, and it’s also more common than you may think.

Asexual people can – and do – still have deeply fulfilling romantic relationships with partners who accept their asexuality. The idea that not wanting sex means you’ll never find a partner, or that you can’t truly love and bond with someone is also a huge myth. There are plenty of ways to approach this; whether it’s finding someone else who identifies as asexual or coming to an agreement with your significant other where they can see sex workers as needed.

All of that said, I’d implore you to do some more research into asexuality before you decide if that fits your situation (we wrote an article on it here). Another possibility for your not enjoying sex or physical touch, is that you simply haven’t had a partner who has taken the time to communicate with you in the bedroom and be responsive to your needs. 

I wind up sounding like a bit of a broken record, because I say this so often, but communication really is everything when it comes to having a healthy romantic relationship. If you’re currently dating or partnered up, it’s really important you address your concerns with the other person. Perhaps the biggest mistake we make when it comes to love and intimacy is expecting the other person to read our mind and know what we do and don’t like, simply because they care about us.

So my advice to you, is to do some more reading up on asexuality, talk to your partner if you’re in a relationship, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. There is no ‘right’ way to be a woman. For many women all around the world, sex is not intrinsically tied up in their sexuality or relationship, and that’s totally okay. 

Nadia xx

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Join the discussion: Are you asexual?